Style Conversational Week 1417: Auld Lang sign-off The Empress on The Style Invitational’s annual obit poem contests Bob Staake's alternative sketch for today's cartoon, in which he played on the expression "dropping a dime” on someone — tattling to the authorities (as in a pay phone call) — by having Linda Tripp do that literally to Monica Lewinsky. Bob Staake's alternative sketch for today's cartoon, in which he played on the expression "dropping a dime” on someone — tattling to the authorities (as in a pay phone call) — by having Linda Tripp do that literally to Monica Lewinsky. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Dec. 30, 2020 at 5:02 p.m. EST Add to list Since 1997, The Style Invitational has been doing contests commemorating the year’s new ex-people. In the first one, Week 243, The Czar asked specifically for comically badly written poems; he was inspired by an earnest ode on the recent death of Princess Diana, sent by a heartbroken woman in New Hampshire to various newspapers: “ … So loved was she by masses — so enthralled/ We gave no pause when ‘mercy, please’ she called.” The winner in the bad-elegy contest, by Charlie Steinhice: Jacques Cousteau: The knit cap lies empty on the deck, The once-proud ship feels like a wreck. At his request, his last remains Will now become the ocean’s gains. With tear of eye and roll of drum, We feed the sharks. Farewell, old chum. Forward to January 4, 2004, three weeks after I had deposed that pesky old Czar and hopped into the cushy Invite Beanbag Throne: Week 539 asked simply: “Pay tribute in verse to someone who died in 2003.” I don’t have a record of my thinking at the time, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t want to encourage bad writing along with funny writing — or reject something because it wasn’t bad. (I just violated this principle with our bad-novel-endings contest, but it was a rare exception.) AD The Style Invitational's new first-prize trophy, the Clowning Achievement. What could we add to it for a Loser’s subsequent wins? The Style Invitational's new first-prize trophy, the Clowning Achievement. What could we add to it for a Loser’s subsequent wins? The winners that year — whooee, heavy on the puns. I’m glad that I hadn’t specified either bad writing or good writing! Winner of the Inker, by Bob Dalton: Idi, you were real Amin, Your passing we think swell. They’re laughing up in Heaven ’cause They know Uganda Hell. Second place, by Dave Zarrow: At 105, old Madame Chiang At last met her mortality. That’s got to be a record for A Taipei personality. Anyway, the Dead Letters contest, as it’s been called most years (also The Post’s Mortems, A RIP-Roaring Year and A Lit Obit of Fun) has been since then the Invite’s New Year’s tradition. Lately part of the fun is to find offbeat characters to write about, including those making the list of the Darwin Awards — people who found some spectacularly stupid route toward meeting their Maker, thus further sparing the gene pool. AD Here’s Beverley Sharp’s ode to one of last year’s Darwinians: Ronald Cyr, age 65, a most distrustful chap, Determined to defend his home, devised a booby trap. He rigged a handgun’s trigger so when opening the door, An unsuspecting burglar would be burgle-ing no more. His booby trap worked right on cue! The burglar, is he dead? No, Ronald absent-mindedly walked through the door instead. The moral’s not mysterious: Don’t mess with guns — they’re Cyrious. And from Frank Osen: Two Texans who tried to jump a drawbridge in their car: Unless your first name’s “Blues” and last name’s “Brothers,” Don’t race a drawbridge, if you have your druthers; The worst thing, falling short, is Often rigor mortis. But of course, anyone who died this year can be a worthy subject, as long as you have something to say that’s not treacly or gleefully morbid or likely to cause hurt to someone in particular. AD ADVERTISING Here are last year’s top winners: 4th place: Fred Cox (1938-2019), co-inventor of Nerf football His toy’s a neurologist’s dream — Soft footballs won’t get you concussed! If only pro leagues would adjust By issuing one to each team And swapping each stadium’s turf For 1.3 acres of Nerf. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) 3rd place: Dan Robbins (1925-2019), inventor of the paint-by-numbers kit He’s gone to his eternal slumber In (7) Earth and (18) Umber. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) 2nd place: John Dingell (1926-2019), longest-serving member of Congress Of late Representative Dingell, A person with class might have said, “With statesmen in heaven you mingle!” Trump chose to be classless instead. To Dingell, with great veneration, We offer a toast, raise your cup to him! Though Trump gives him no admiration, One day he will surely look up to him. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) AD And the winner of the Lose Cannon: George Laurer (1925-2019), inventor of the bar code In the annals of science, no person did more To relieve the long lines in the grocery store Than did George Joseph Laurer, whose bar code allows Us to breeze through the checkout with no time to browse. But I wish that he’d minored in English in school And invented a bar-coded grammar-check tool To inform the unedified store-sign reviewer, This checkout’s for folks with “10 ITEMS OR FEWER.” (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) See the rest of the 2020 winners at wapo.st/invite1369. And while you’re at it, catch The 2019 winners. The 2018 winners The 2017 winners I hope you’re inspired: If there’s any part of 2020 we want to do honor to, it’s these. Lex appeal*: The new-word poems of Week 1413 *Non-inking headline by Jesse Frankovich AD Not surprisingly, the Loserbards who’ve blotted up so much ink with obit poems tended to ink up the joint in this week’s results, as well. The partial list given to us by the Merriam-Webster people of the year’s new words (and new meanings for old ones) was full of daunting multi-syllable terms like “iatrophobia” (fear of doctors), but our folks just took a look and said, aha! Double dactyl! It’s the — oh, my — 25th first-place win for Hall of Famer Mark Raffman, but it’s his first of our new trophy, the Clowning Achievement. As I’d mentioned earlier, there are only 100 of these babies, and I’d like to see them go to somewhere near 100 people. Loser Bruce Carlson wrote in with an idea: Is there something that a multiple winner could add to the Clowner to designate a second win, third win, etc.? Maybe a little necklace or sticker? Ideas are welcome. The trophy is small, though; the base is about 3 by 5 inches, and his (their?) head is perhaps the size of a pingpong ball. One difference from the photo is that the Royal Consort has elevated the head about an inch above the base on a little dowel. What Doug Dug: AD Ace Copy Editor Doug Norwood drew his faves this week from the honorable mentions: Of the 17 poems he read in the print Invite, Doug singled out both takes on “deepfake,” by Melissa Balmain and Frank Mann; Hildy Zampella’s men-don’t-know-from-colors “greige”; Jonathan Jensen’s iambic-heptameter quatrain on the iambic hydroxychloroquine; and Melissa Does Melissophobia. 'Wow! No, I didn't see that!' I just heard this morning from First Offender Tony Crafter, who won last week’s song anagram contest, Week 1412, by rearranging every letter in three verses of “Away in a Manger” into a readable, almost singable rhyming poem. He emailed me from his home in England: “I don’t know if that contest is still running, but here’s another song.” “You didn’t know you won the contest?” I replied. “Wow! No, I didn’t see that! Mind you, I don’t seem to be able to get beyond the paywall so I probably couldn’t access the notification. I’m delighted, that’s quite an honour. Glad I contacted you!” AD Invite-lovers and People Who Care About the News: If you’re not one of The Post’s 3 million digital subscribers, there is an AMAZING deal going on for the first year: $29 for a whole year of virtually everything The Post offers online, which is even more than The Style Invitational! It’s something like 700 pieces of content a day. The usual price for a digital subscription to The Post is, I think, $130 — which isn’t a bad rate at all — it’s considerably cheaper than the NYT, which, I might remind you, has no Style Invitational. Click on this link for the last days of this promotion. But also, it’s supporting the journalism that The Post is doing around the world — a role made even more important by recent moves by the still-current administration to turn Voice of America into a regime-supporting organ. After the recession of the 2000s forced The Post to close many of its foreign and nationwide bureaus, it’s once again expanding: There are new, wide-ranging hub operations opening in London and Seoul that will be a basis for much more global coverage. AD But of course, its primary value is that it lets you see all the poop jokes in the Invite. Tripped up for a gift? Did you want to embellish the cover of your copy of the Starr report? Remember that Bob Staake is offering his original work for the Invitational from over the past 27 years — both pencil sketches and finished pen-and-ink versions — to the Loser Community at this special page on his website: bobstaake.com/SI. You get in touch with him about the art you’re interested in buying, and he’ll check if he has it. On a parting note: Thank you so much for continuing to share your sense of humor with me and with Post readers, and for being accommodating in waiting for prizes, accepting emailed “magnets,” etc. I do believe we’ll see each other in person next year. Please take care of yourselves till then. And on to 2021.